Week 12...2 weeks until I am in the clear!!!

I have recently started a new affair with Jack-in-the-Box Grilled Chicken Clubs. OMG! So good. I get them without cheese or mayo but they are simply to die for. I really was not digging chicken these first couple of months but now I am down. But I will still eat Lion's Choice everyday if I could. Maybe I could switch it up with Jack-in-the-Box one day and Lion's Choice the next.

I feel like I am going to explode out of my drawers! I have a Bella Band on today and I hate it. I have come to my 'simply impossible to be comfortable unless you are wearing yoga pants and a huge tee' stage. I did go to the bathroom earlier and only then was I able to button and clasp my pants! But it was pretty pointless because then my fat gets shoved above the waist of my pants and I then look like a backwards camel with 2 humps up front. If only I could shove it all in my bra!

My SIL and my mother told me I look pregnant. Great...All I need now is to have my MIL insist I am getting fat and then life will be officially miserable. My BIL assured me that I am 'still pretty stretched out' so he is not surprised. Thanks. As if I don't have enough image problems.

We had birthday party for Baboo this weekend and it was sucessful. Only a few nasty comments from the MIL but other than that it was nice. I just wanted to share one of her comments.

Scene: The Idiot and I are standing at the concession stand at our local bowling alley to turn in the kiddos drink orders and MIL shuffles up.

MIL:" So how much does this all cost?"

Me: " Why does it matter? You can't buy it on clearance at Costco so who cares!"

The Idiot: HAHAHA

Much later to my poor unsuspecting 'rents:

MIL: "That rattle used to be The Idiot's so I gave it to them for Beebo. But I didn't buy it at Costco."

My mother was WTFing and my polite father who can't hear, asked her to repeat because of course he didn't hear (I don't see how...she has Rush Limbaugh's deafness from her painkillers addiction and yells at everyone). So she repeated it. I then had to explain to my mother what her idiot comment was about.

I just hope to hide this pregnancy from her as long as possible because she thinks she has to rub your belly as you get bigger. Like shining a bowling ball. Honestly she is the only nutcase to do that. I have to sit there and let it happen for fear The Idiot will be upset with me for not cooperating with her wants and needs (because she is the one who will be uncomfortable for 9 months and her needs are most important). She also likes to stab your baby-incubator with her kitty-litter encrusted fingers. As if it isn't uncomfortable because it's stretched taut that she has to cause you more pain by shoving her dirty long fingernail in your gut.

I am really dreading the day we tell her anything. She was so mad at me for not finding out the gender that she will be on me again this time.

A conversation last September:

MIL: How far along are you?

TI: She is 9 months.

MIL: No she is not.

TI: How far along are you?

Me: 9 months.

MIL: No you are not.

TI and BIL: You are pregnant 10 months, Mom. 40 weeks. 40 weeks is 10 months.

MIL: I don't know where you get your information from!

TI: The doctor.

MIL: Well it must be a man because you are actually pregnant 11 months.

Me: (thinking to myself WTF???? Is she really this crazy and what have I gotten myself into!)

TI: No Mom, you are wrong.

MIL: I would think I would know since I had 3 kids. (While I am standing there) She only has one and she is probably lying about anything that has to do with him. (then to me) What are you going to name that baby?

Me: I don't know we don't even know if we are having a boy or girl.

MIL: Bullshit! You know and you just won't tell me! You are probably going to name that baby Shitpot just to embarrass me!

Me: You're right! I can't name the baby something normal because I named my first Pisspot so they have to match right?

The Idiot was so upset that he actually considered calling her and telling her Shitpot was here if she wanted to visit. I made the phone call to my FIL who relayed the information. But she informed The Idiot the other day that she doesn't remember going to the hospital to see Beebo. I was thinking of convincing The Idiot that we could just pretend like we told her and then when she comes to realize it we just tell her we told her and she forgot!


I think I will just wear parkas for the duration of the summer, sit in my closet, and avoid anything that requires visiting with the out-laws.

Vote Now for the Complete Jackass for the Month of March

The Jackass Award for the Month of March

Now I know you are probably asking, “Why give the award now when we haven’t even cleared the Ides of March or St. Pat's?”

Well let me share my recent dilemma and I will let you decide who the real jackass is.

Let’s say I have furniture and odds and ends from my 1st pregnancy. Let’s say said furniture was borrowed by a few family members when they had a surprise pregnancy. The furniture and items borrowed are returned unwillingly. Upon inspection these items are ruined beyond any usable means.

Items up for ponder:

A dual swing/ high-chair that has the clips broken off upon return so it could only be used as a swing but when you push the swing forward the seat falls off the brackets because the seat is cracked on one side of the area that attaches to the bracket. As an added bonus, I got pen marked graffiti that was too intricate for a then 2 year-old to doodle freehanded.

Various clothing that has been stained beyond recognition.

Various baby toys that were meant to be keepsakes broken and ruined, or drawn on.

A 200 year-old cradle that is a family heirloom (my mother has a history with it and she had it refinished for her children), stored up-side down in the unfinished basement so the tops of the posts are scuffed and roughed up. And it had junk piled inside it when my mother went to get it ready to bring to me.

Now I know you want to give them the finger and the award but we have a few other contenders as well.



Let’s send The Idiot to pick-up the old baby bed that I recently did a once-over on, at a recent visit to the rents. After my once-over, the bed was in pieces but could easily be assembled. I felt kind of lucky to get something out of the wreckage they have created, unscathed. Of course the relatives did not recall where they put the bolts and nuts for the bed, let alone recall ever using it.

The Idiot brings said bed home in our recently acquired mini-van after various phone calls to me about how he can’t find parts and he can buy this part here or there. Due to the unpredictable weather we experience here in the Midwest, the bed sat in the van until this past weekend. I used my womanly charms to get him to get it out of the van to bring it in. No, it wasn’t charming at all. It was the guilt-trip of all guilt-trips. So it upset him immensely and created a big show of dragging it all in and lining it up against the living room furniture.

Now that I was in good light and could see the pieces of the bed in all of their glory. I noticed something that looked like urp, petrified to the spindles of the bed. The Idiot brought in another piece and the spindles were broken off. This created a whole different argument about bringing home something that was ruined and wasting time when he obviously saw it. But see, I told him to bring it home. I did the once over. He was only doing what I told him to do. And I was crazy for thinking anything my relatives touched would go unharmed. He failed to mention that the spindles were broken, the mattress was ripped, and the bed and mattress were colored on with a Sharpie. When asked what he was going to do with the broken spindles he replied that he would glue it back! UGH!! I can see poor Beebo getting tiny splinters in his tiny hands so that was not an excuse.

So please vote for the Jackass of March. I will have voting up until April 1st. This is the broken bedHere is the new one. This is brand new. We didn't duct tape the bedtogether. I promise.