March 29, 2008
March 24, 2008
The princesses didn’t know they had rights at this time and decided to let it be because they were young and no one would probably listen to them or respect them enough to listen (Law and Order SVU wasn’t running then to give them any ideas). But it became too much to bear and they got together and plotted against the evil Prince Dirty.
One night, very late, the princesses decided they were fed up with the ass-grabbing and the phone calls and the floor scrubbin’ and they went to Prince Dirty’s parent’s castle (while he was out fighting dragons in the drive-thru). See Prince Dirty gave the tiniest princess the address during one of his late night drunk calls. The princesses ran around the yard and stuck sanitary napkins covered in ketchup all over the trees in his yard (it looked like someone went white dove hunting), ketchup packets, and trash and threw toilet paper everywhere. One princess decided she would also leave a stinky present on the driveway for Prince Dirty. All the while the princesses were giggling and laughing hysterically.
The princesses went home and collapsed into a fit of giggles at what he would find.
The next day mean Prince Dirty was ranting and raving about how someone pooped on his driveway. The princesses held it together when a co-worker asked him if it was his dog. He swore it wasn’t his dog because a) his dog wouldn’t do that and b) it was people poo! He couldn’t believe that someone shit on his driveway. And he showed everyone pictures of the poo.
I hope the caca on his daddy’s driveway disrupts him to this very day or his perverted ass is in jail.
Stupid evil prince…
March 21, 2008
I better calm down. The Idiot may get jealous. But probably not as insanely jealous as I get when he drools over a muscle car with a 357 with NO chick on the hood!!
I strong-armed (not really) my mother into going to the ultrasound and we saw the little baby. I do mean little. But there was a heartbeat and everything is fine and dandy according to the doctor. It was a touching moment. She has been there for both of my boy's births and we aren't really planning for her to be at this one. She is not offended but she will be there at a drop of a hat if I call her to come hither and yon again.
I just can’t wait to follow my mother’s footsteps and take over the position of calling kids by mixing their names up or just running them all together, or rattling all of them off until one shows up. That ought to be a hoot!
I recall a lot of “Neil and Bradley, Bradley and Neil.” I also recall “Delia, Neil and Bradley, Bradley, Neil and Delia.” Sometimes we heard “Neilia!”and "Nadley" and we weren’t sure who was needed. I am not making fun of my mother at all, because I will be doing it too. I am sure of that. I just think it’s comical that things that were funny to you as a child will come back to bite you in the ass.
Someone asked me what my nickname for the newbie will be, and for now it will be Teeny Tiny (like it Alisha?). Basically, because that is the only thing known about our latest addition now. After birth we will see what we are dealing with.
Baboo came from my mother. I don’t know where she got it from. She might comment and explain but it stuck. It is more like a term of endearment. Only used by family members.
Beebo came from a Susan Reinhardt book. It is an awesome read. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone but it will make you cry because a) it’s so funny, it’s so true and b) she does touch on some serious subjects in it.
And Tiny Teeny will just remain Teeny and Tiny until we learn some other attributes. I am just praying that we won’t have to change the nickname to Gigantor and Monstrous before their arrival.
I am sure that everyone has nicknames for their family members.
Mine was not only Princess Thundercloud. I was also anointed with Bubble-butt. (Don’t hate me because of my nickname- it is a bubble-butt)
The Idiot’s is Slug. I imagine it’s because he is so full of life and initiative.
My Siblings nicknames-Speedy B, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Baby, Marmaduke (yes the cartoon Great Dane-my personal insult to my youngest brother), G2.
I am sure you have nicknames for your little ones or family members that drive you nuts or that you love. If not just wait. It will happen. Or you could have a Neilia or a Nadley running around and not know it!
P.S. I have been known to call the in-laws the OUTLAWS.
March 18, 2008
I just wanted to share some of the funny things my mom says to brighten my day. Yes you, Mama! I am being nice.
When I told her that we are expecting again, she covered her face with her hands and started chuckling, then she said, "Just because I gave you a mini-van doesn't mean you have to fill it in 2 years!" and "The Idiot must love you a lot!"
She also called me the other day right after I lay down and opened a book, so I didn't run to the phone and my message was, "God, can't you two stop having sex long enough to even answer the phone!?!"
Email Message from Mama on Valentine's day:
Now that you're married you have obviously noticed that we fems must rely upon one another for Valentine's Day greetings. When you gave me the card last night, I knew that, sadly, this reality has now touched you, too.
Mama didn’t raise a fool! I wouldn’t expect any man to be romantic (you know the kind in the movies, not that crap they pull to get you in the sack) without a little bit (or a lot) of guilt. Quite frankly, if he was I would worry that he was a closet homosexual. Thus, I used my witchy ways to make The Idiot get me something (a neck massager-he just doesn’t want to massage my neck now either).
Maybe we should lobby to have a personal chef, housekeeper, book-keeper, nurse, shopper, sex-hole and child bearer day (I think they call this mother’s day now but for some reason it isn’t gratifying). Somehow we will have to tie in drinking, sports events, and sex to make it all the rage to get the admiration we justly deserve. Maybe in my case we throw in a car or 2 as an attention grabber and it could work. I mean they have Secretary’s Day and Grandparent’s Day. Shouldn’t they have a National Slave of Matrimony Day? It could be a little bit better than macaroni glued in the shape of a heart to construction paper. The husbands could give us money to shop for ourselves. I know it is unheard of, but just think, we could go shopping for a nice fitting brassiere instead of their tube socks or diapers for kids! Or they could send us on vacation to somewhere fun. You know some place we want to go. A girl can dream. Maybe we could write a letter to Hallmark, American Greetings and other card companies to get the ball rolling. They would die for another day to sell greeting cards! They could do the lobbying for us.
She also gets a kick out of this.
Maybe this is why I love her and our weekly lunches so. She makes me laugh and keeps me grounded (and she gives us money when we need it!).
March 17, 2008
I have had people ask me to give them a message, and if I know where they are. It's a freaking phone number! How do I know where they live now? I have told these assholes to take us off their list and check their fucking credit report like they do us. That's how they keep finding me.
Sorry just a rant of a pregnant woman. Who goes to bed at 7:30 or 8 and passes out as her head hits the pillow. Don't want to be waken up an hour later to be asked about Amanda and Anthony Hong and their whereabouts.
Oh yeah and do men eat rotting dead carcasses covered in curry for lunch and crap it out here at work. I know my stomach flip-flopped and somersaulted on my way out of the door all the way outside because I breathed in through my nose as I walked past the men's room. HUGE MISTAKE! I ran outside for air. Thought I was going to die!
March 13, 2008
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
Ok I admit, I am a sucker for a good fart joke! :)This one might make you cry. I know I did.
March 11, 2008
The Jackass Award for the Month of March
Now I know you are probably asking, “Why give the award now when we haven’t even cleared the Ides of March or St. Pat's?”
Well let me share my recent dilemma and I will let you decide who the real jackass is.
Let’s say I have furniture and odds and ends from my 1st pregnancy. Let’s say said furniture was borrowed by a few family members when they had a surprise pregnancy. The furniture and items borrowed are returned unwillingly. Upon inspection these items are ruined beyond any usable means.
Items up for ponder:
A dual swing/ high-chair that has the clips broken off upon return so it could only be used as a swing but when you push the swing forward the seat falls off the brackets because the seat is cracked on one side of the area that attaches to the bracket. As an added bonus, I got pen marked graffiti that was too intricate for a then 2 year-old to doodle freehanded.
Various clothing that has been stained beyond recognition.
Various baby toys that were meant to be keepsakes broken and ruined, or drawn on.
A 200 year-old cradle that is a family heirloom (my mother has a history with it and she had it refinished for her children), stored up-side down in the unfinished basement so the tops of the posts are scuffed and roughed up. And it had junk piled inside it when my mother went to get it ready to bring to me.
Now I know you want to give them the finger and the award but we have a few other contenders as well.
Let’s send The Idiot to pick-up the old baby bed that I recently did a once-over on, at a recent visit to the rents. After my once-over, the bed was in pieces but could easily be assembled. I felt kind of lucky to get something out of the wreckage they have created, unscathed. Of course the relatives did not recall where they put the bolts and nuts for the bed, let alone recall ever using it.
The Idiot brings said bed home in our recently acquired mini-van after various phone calls to me about how he can’t find parts and he can buy this part here or there. Due to the unpredictable weather we experience here in the Midwest, the bed sat in the van until this past weekend. I used my womanly charms to get him to get it out of the van to bring it in. No, it wasn’t charming at all. It was the guilt-trip of all guilt-trips. So it upset him immensely and created a big show of dragging it all in and lining it up against the living room furniture.
Now that I was in good light and could see the pieces of the bed in all of their glory. I noticed something that looked like urp, petrified to the spindles of the bed. The Idiot brought in another piece and the spindles were broken off. This created a whole different argument about bringing home something that was ruined and wasting time when he obviously saw it. But see, I told him to bring it home. I did the once over. He was only doing what I told him to do. And I was crazy for thinking anything my relatives touched would go unharmed. He failed to mention that the spindles were broken, the mattress was ripped, and the bed and mattress were colored on with a Sharpie. When asked what he was going to do with the broken spindles he replied that he would glue it back! UGH!! I can see poor Beebo getting tiny splinters in his tiny hands so that was not an excuse.
So please vote for the Jackass of March. I will have voting up until April 1st. This is the broken bedHere is the new one. This is brand new. We didn't duct tape the bedtogether. I promise.
March 8, 2008
I am excited about going clothes shopping again. But only because my dumb ass sold some of my maternity clothes on Ebay after I moved. I only sold the things I really didn't like too much. But if I get to buy this little number that might make getting rid of my blah maternity clothes worth it. But I won't buy anything until I am further along in my pregnancy. I don't want to jinx it.
But if anyone has any male names that begin and end with the same letter we are open to suggestion. We have girl names from our previous picks and we can't think of any boy names right now. The Idiot wants to keep a theme going since our other 2 coincidentally have names that begin and end with the same letter. He discovered this when I forced him to fill out a form of some sort and now wants to have a running theme.
On a lighter note The Idiot hopped on the scale and told me he was too fat. So I reassured him and went down to work on my laundry and he called down to me that he was going to make a whole canister of biscuits and eat them all, unless I wanted some. I told him he was an idiot and that an entire container of Pilsbury biscuits won't help in the weight gain department.
Poor Beebo's face is terrible. I feel for him. His eyes are swollen half shut from a cold and his cheeks are raw from the chapping. He also claws his face when he is tired and he looks like he got into a fight with a cheese grater. So sad.
This is Baboo after I woke him up when he had a bout of the flu. He is so sick and I know he wants to kill us in this picture but it was so funny. I couldn't help my self. I suppose this is a mark on my 'Bad Mommy' list.
Poor Baboo. He is currently getting ready to start meds for his ADHD. I am worried about the meds and their affect on him. A few side effects are not wanting to eat (he is skinny as a rail), and not wanting to sleep (it's like an episode of 'Let's Make A Deal' around here when I need him to get to sleep). I just hope this gives him a fighting chance. I feel that without it I am setting him up to fail and that would be a huge no-no and be an extra 100 points for the 'Bad Mommy' list.
Well off for an adventure at the Chinese Buffet and the mall.
March 6, 2008
I was fortunate enough to not have the women ask if I know how this all happens. I assume everyone working there sees a + test as a $. So they are probably glad that it happened. And due to my ‘condition’ I will have to make frequent visits again this next 2 months. The sad thing is that I still have to pay for my last delivery and that should be done and over with by the end of next month.
So I have been sick and exhausted. Not something that is alarming if you know that you are pregnant and on progesterone tablets. But I find this whole added hormones thing a bit of a mess. See, I called to get the pills the day after I had confirmed the pregnancy myself. They had me come and get blood drawn and told me that they would call if the results were not good. So imagine my surprise when the LNP told me that I was smart to get the pills because my progesterone levels are low. I asked how low.
“15 is the ideal number we stick with around here and yours was 6.9. So we are going to do another blood draw today to check your HCG and your progesterone levels. If you are still below the ideal level we will increase your progesterone dosage.”
Now this worries me a great deal because what if I was meant to miscarry? What if something was not right and I should have just let everything be. Plus they NEVER called me! Hello? Is anyone home? I would know if they called beause a) The Idiot does not answer the phone, b) because The Idiot does not answer the phone he thinks this justifies him not checking voicemail so I check all the voicemail, and c) I WAS WAITING FOR THEM TO CALL! I had a feeling that this was why I had miscarried in 2006 after they informed me while pregnant with Beebo that my progesterone was low. I figured it was imoortant since THEY were freaking out about it last time when it was 12.3. WTF???????
So I kind of calmed down before I blew up (hence the childhood nickname) and I explained my mother’s history with blighted ovum and she said she realized my concern. So she scheduled me for an u/s the next day. So today I have to go back and have my pregnancy confirmed as viable or unviable. So I will sit at work and pretend to pour over numbers and figures and estimates while my brain screams. I am sure I slept last night terribly well. It was probably due to the fact that Christian won Project Runway (I preferred Chris for the final 3) but I think I just stored all of the information in the back of my mind for safe keeping.
The Idiot’s reaction to the news was no reaction because Family Guy re-runs were on and those are far more important than the possibility that I could miscarry again. He has a ‘trick’ were he turns his head slightly in my direction and nods or says, “yeah” when I pause to breath. Eyes are always glued to the tube. I don’t know if it is typical man behavior or just his behavior to have selective hearing.
Baboo’s father and I did not have to compete with the TV for attention because when we moved in together he decided that he was going to get rid of the TV for fear that it would consume him and all of his ultra-intelligent brain power and he had so much to share, let me tell you. I can't recall an intelligent conversation with him to this day. We worked opposite hours so I went home and slept or read and when he was home we had to have sex. So I lived with that man for 3 months with no TV with all the sex I could ever want and more. It's not a wonder I got pregnant with Baboo at all. I still ended up hating him and the ridiculous choices he made in the end but still he didn’t pay attention to me either. Come to think of it, it did take him an awfully long time to read Hannibal. He read that book from the day I moved in to the day I moved out. He must be a slow reader or a great fraud.
I was a little ticked that The Idiot wasn’t too concerned with what I said. I think I will test him this afternoon when I come home from work. I might just mention that I got an ultrasound and that we are having twins or something mind-blowing to see if he even flinches.
The last time I was pregnant, (as if that was long ago), I took a shower in our wonderful modest mobile home. The tub was high so I was to the point of not being able to lift my leg very high and I was worried that I would slip and fall. I swear to this day that I stood in my shower dripping wet, covered with a towel and screamed and hollered The Idiot’s name for a good 5 minutes. He finally showed up and asked me, “what?” This was practiced daily at our house. I was scared that I was going to fall through the rotten floor so he had to help me. I was so mad I asked him if there were boobs and wheels or engines on the TV and if that is why he chose to ignore me. Well, guess what he was watching? Overhaulin. Such an Idiot. I could have been standing there getting ready to have a baby with contractions, leaking the whole nine yards and he wouldn’t come anywhere near me till there was a commercial. So ridiculous.
Men...need I say more?
March 5, 2008
I am using my childhood nickname Princessthundercloud. I am currently 30, the mother of 2 boys, Baboo 7, and Beebo who is 5 months tomorrow. The Idiot and I are expecting our 3rd this coming October.
People may think I am a bit of a bitch for calling my dear, darling, innocent husband The Idiot but sometimes I think he truly is. I do not know if he is pulling a hoax by acting the fool to get out of work but I assume he probably is. He is wonderful with my boys and loves Baboo and Beebo with all his heart. But sometimes…you ladies know what I mean.
Take the discovery of our latest pregnancy. Before our latest family member was even discovered I was fatigued, sick and in complete denial. I mean I only had one period since weaning my baby and it was preposterous to think that it could happen again and so fast! But I tested and it was positive. So when I told The Idiot all he could think to say was, “Oh my God.”. He could try a little bit of happiness. He knows how miserable I was carrying our last child in the heat of summer and every ache and pain that came with it and all I get is OMG- he did include, “at least your boobs will come back”. Those are strong words of encouragement aren't they?
See, not our most romantic conversation to date and it is sure to not be the last.